Mariah Carey Nurses Manchild Nick Cannon … Cop Arrests Woman for Being Too Sexy

It is unclear whether Carey will breastfeed

Wait, is Nick Cannon over 30 now? I guess he is. Time flies when you’re starring in B movies and are married to the craziest pop singer this side of Cindy Lauper does hurt either. Old age has it’s drawbacks, though, and kidney failure can be one of them.

I feel for Cannon, according to the government, kidney failure really sucks. Reportedly, Mariah refused to leave the hospital when asked by staff. Security was stopped in their effort to escort Carey off the premises when she went all acupela on them.

So, she wasn’t exactly arrested, but there was some serious police work going on for that booty in Chicago over the weekend.

Officer Chris Collins (not the NFL commentator, but would any of us really be surprised if it were?) fell madly in lust for Evangelina Paredes while handing her a traffic ticket. Once that ticket was written Ms. Paredes bolted, officer Collins (with his pal Al Michaels) left a note on his paramour’s windshield in front of her home.

“It’s Chris … that ugly bald Stickney cop who gave you a ticket,” the note began, according to the AP. “I know this may seem crazy and you’re probably right, but truth is I have not stopped thinking about you since. I don’t expect a girl as attractive as you to … even go for a guy like me, but I’m taking a shot anyways.”

As tempting an offer as that might be to any number of wide-eyed girls, it just seems as though Collins picked the wrong method of stalking. I mean, any stalker worth his weight in license plates knows that you want to lead with “we were meant to be.” This guy seems like he’s new to this.

Granted, she sounds pretty hot, but there are, strictly speaking, laws against this sort of thing. You know, rules that are written down and enforced by state-trained officials in the interest of the public good.

I believe those people are called officers. But hey, all’s legal in love and attraction right.

Quoth officer Collins: “There was no bad intentions to it.”

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